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Adam Sandler

Fatty McGee – Adam Sandler

[Talking quietly]
[M1:] “Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man.”
[M2:] “We just had a test a week ago.
Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!”
[M1:] “And it counts for 80 percent of our grade.”
[M2:] “Well we better study our butts off.”
[M1:] “Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library.”
[M2:] “Ok, enough talking, let’s study!”
[M1:] “All right.”
[Turning pages]

[Heavy steps]
[M2:] “Uh oh”
[M1:] “Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming.
We’ll never get any studying done with him in the library.”
[Heavy steps continue]
[M2:] “Oh god, he’s taking the stairs!
That means he’s going to be way out of breath!”

[Fatty whining, try to catch breath]
[M1:] “Oh no, he’s going to sit with us.”
[Fatty: Annoying whining voice] “Hey fellas, studying for the big test?”
[M1:] “Uh, yes Fatty, we were.”
[Fatty: Still trying to catch breath] “Great! I’ll join ya.”
[Fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
[M2:] “Hey Fatty, why don’t you go to the bathroom ’till you catch your breath?”
[Fatty:] “No, no, I’m catching it!”
[Fatty continuing to whine and snort]
[M1:] “Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we’re trying to concentrate.”
[Fatty: Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] “Sure, no problem.”
[M1:] “Oh man.”
[Fatty: Still snorting and whining loudly]
“This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know.”
[Whining continues even louder]
[M1:] “Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that.”
[Wheezing continues a little softer]
[M2:] “Fatty! Please keep it down!”

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[Fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]

[M2:] “Is he sleeping!?”
[M1:] “No, it’s his deviated sceptum.
Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down.”
[Snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
[M2:] “Ahh geez Fatty, what’s wrong with you!?”
[Fatty: Pausing, snorting] “I’m trying.”
[Whining continues]
[M1:] “Fatty, you know what’s going to happen!
Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!”
[Whining gets higher and higher until it’s continuous]
[M2:] “Oh no, that one’s going to do it!”

[Fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
[M2:] “Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!”
[Fatty: Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] “I’m sorry!”
[Fireman Ray:] “Fire! Man the building!”
[M1:] “Sorry Fireman Ray, it’s not the fire alarm.”
[Fireman Ray:] “Fatty McGee, is that you again!?”
[Fatty: Stillin whining annoyingly] “Yes.” [Snort] “Sorry.” [Snort]
[Fireman Ray:] “Didn’t we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?”
[Fatty: Whiney voice] “But I like the stairs!”
[Fireman Ray: annoyed] “Why!?”
[Fatty: Still whining horribly] “They’re fun!”
[Fireman Ray:] “Oh Fatty McGee, you’re the fattest!”
[Everyone laughing at stupid joke]
[Raspberry]

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Adam Sandler

Buddy – Adam Sandler

[Moving Train]
“Next stop! Coopersville!”

[Two guys talking]
“Hey Buddy”
“Buddy!”
“How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?”
“Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!”
“Eheh Buddy, don’t even tell me about it Buddy!”
“Buddy I know.”
“Buddy, M&M’s?”
“Chocolate me, Buddy!… Tasty Buddy!”
“Buddy definitely”
“Hey get in on this drink Buddy!”
“Buddy, don’t mind if I do”
“It’s a bloody, Buddy”
“Buddy, it’s killer!”
“BUDDY!”
“Sorry Buddy”
“Save me some Buddy!”
“Buddy I said I was sorry!”
“That’s ok Buddy”

[Two more guys enter]
“Hey Dude!”
“Hey Buddy!”
“Dudes, you know this dude?”
“What’s up Dude?”
“Hey Buddy”
“Buddy, sit down”
“Have some bloody Buddy”
“Dude”
“Dudes, here’s a sixer, Budweiser time”
“Yeah, Bud Buddy”
“Yeah Dude”
“Cold ones Dude”
“Buddy, killer!”
[Drinking]
“I’m buzzing Buddy!”
“Dude, I know!”
[Female walking by]
“Oh Dude, check it, she’s killer!”
“I want some of that Buddy”
“Oh Buddy, save some for me”
“Dude, that’s my ex-girlfriend”
“Oh, sorry Buddy”
“Just watch it Dude!”
“Hey lay off him Buddy”
“Dude, don’t get him started”
“I said I was sorry Buddy”
“Dude, let’s just drop it”
“Buddy?”
“It’s cool Dude”

[Two more guys enter]
“Hey Homey’s”
“What’s up Homeys?”
“Hey Buddy”
“What’s up Dude?”
“Just chillin’ Homey”
“Cool Buddy”
“Yeah Dude”
“Buddy”
“Homey”
“Dude”
“Homey”
“Dude”
“Buddy”
“Dude, check it out, a prison”
“Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there”
“I know Dude, that would suck”
“Homey, my brother is in there”
“Oh Buddy”
“Sorry about that Dude”
“Bummer Buddy”
“Bad timing Homey”
“I know Buddy”
“Sorry Dude”
“Not your fault Homey”
“I know, but Buddy”
“No, it’s cool Homey”

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“Dude, there’s another train on this track”
[Sound of another train]
“Uh Buddy, it’s coming at us”
[Train horn sounding]
“Dude!”
“Homey!”
“Buddy!”
“Buddy!”
“Homey!”
“DUDE!”

[Trains crashing]
“Dude?”
“Buddy, my head”
“Homey, get off me”
“Buddy, I can’t see”
“What just happened to us Dude?”
“Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!”

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Adam Sandler

Crazy Love – Adam Sandler

[Adam:] You don’t mind that I think everybody’s a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
[Lisa:] And you don’t mind that all of my pants are way too short on me
and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
[Adam:] And you don’t care that I collect dead animals from the side
of the road then pretend they’re alive and think I’m a famous football player
[Lisa:] And you don’t have a problem with me
when I follow people I’ve never met before and force them to look
at the portrait of Neil Diamond I have tattooed on my back
[Adam:] It’s very pretty, baby
[Both:]
Well you must have been sent from above
You’re all that I can think of
You’re just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
[Adam:] Well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit
to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
[Lisa:] Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
[Adam:] Thank you
[Lisa:] And you don’t make fun of me ’cause I still make out
with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO
for two and a half years
[Adam:] I believe you sugarpie
[Both:]
‘Cause our love is right on track
I’m yours, your mine it’s a fact
Don’t forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love
[Adam:] Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn’t even there
[Lisa:] Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my
Wonder Woman underwear
[Adam:] I didn’t care Babe I know I never had a job ’cause I’m afraid
to talk to people ’cause I know that they’re all robots who are seeking information
[Lisa:] They can’t fool you sweetheart
And I know that you know that I’m the one who burned my cousin
Chester’s house to the ground but you told the cops we were out
ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you
[Adam:] I ain’t no fink, dollface
[Both:]
‘Cause we know that it’s true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
[Lisa:] My crazy, crazy love
[spoken to end]
[Adam:] Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
[Lisa:] I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on me?
[Adam:] Oh yeah, here you go
[splurt]
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Adam Sandler

Cordurory Blues – Adam Sandler

When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin’ around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma’s friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I’m a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
‘Cause even when I’m in the shower alone
I’m to embarrased to remove my shirt

What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see

I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me “The Little Candy Ass”
When I couldn’t finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma’s good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain’t wearing pants

What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203

The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bown of white rice
Dinnertime it’s a saltless potato
I ain’t allowed no spice
If this diet’s gonna work
Tonight I can’t eat no more
“Just go to sleep,” I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly’s hungry and achin’
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon

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What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately

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