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T.J. Miller

Now We’re Partying – T.J. Miller

Oh no, I will not dance. I will not dance.

T.J
I got a club foot on the left side
And on the right side I have an even worse foot.

I’m a weird dude, I like weird shit
I’m a weird guy, I get weird with it
When I party it don’t make much sense
Don’t mind me, I’m on a 32 day Tanqueray cleanse

So you want to party like that, bitch?

It’s the fusion between confusion and something else
I’d probably get kicked out if it wasn’t for the wealth
Let’s wear togas, with tuxedos underneath
And order several pizzas we allow homeless men to eat
(Now I’m partying with them!)

Roll up to the club with a limp like I’m hurt (ow!)
Ask for medical attention but I call everyone Bert (what up, Bert?)
Then I explain, I’m not even wounded
This club sucks, I arrived and still ruined it

Bring a boombox in the car wash (now we’re partying)
Recipes for goulash (now we’re partying)
Laundrymat with no clothes (now we’re partying)
At the nudist camp fully clothed

I’m a party machine, remixing Martin Luther King
Because I also have a very important dream
But in mine I’m naked, and I’m bathing in shaving cream
So it’s a weird one, it’s actually not that inspirational…

NyQuil when I’m fine, liquor when I’m sick
And if someone asks to see it, I show ’em a little dick
Not my penis, the short guy named Richard, we call him Rick (what up, Rick?)
He’s actually kind of a dick

I drink malt liquor on the playground
Vomit watching kids on the merry-go-round
Wait outside public restrooms, tell them I’m not in line
When they come out, I say how was it and they say “…fine?”

READ  Bananaise (Feat. Nick Vatterott) - T.J. Miller

I got sliced ham in my pocket ready to go
If someone wants a sandwich, just provide your own roll
It’s BYOB, that means “bring your own bread”
Right foot, it’s always Nikes, on my left it’s Keds

For every beer I drink, one goes in the toilet
I tell all the girls my purple shirt is violet
And watch them as they’re more confused than I am
Then I politely offer them some of my pocket ham (it’s hickory!)

Malt liquor at the party store (now we’re partying)
Read Norwegian folklore (now we’re partying)
Waterpark lost-and-found (now we’re partying)
At casual events I wear a ball gown

Ninny-ninny foo foo, this is how we do do
Shizzle my tizzle, I fizzle when I’m on the kizzle
Nothing that I’m saying even makes sense (makes sense)
Everything I’m saying is nonsense (nonsense)

I wear shrimp cologne, go on double dates alone
Call myself three days later, don’t pick up the phone
I make deposits at the bank, hangin’ at the ATM
Sneak a peak at someone’s balance (Now I’m partying with them!)

Don’t like keg stands, prefer keg sits
When I drink wine, I get the beer-shits
Tell me about your boobs, I stay abreast of those tits
They’re like whiskey when it’s cold: I likes little nips!

I smoke a little weed, then I smoke a little less (what?)
I’m ADD so I need hours for the breathalyzer test
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom
Mostly janitorial, mop and broom

Got kicked out of the party store for partying
But in my opinion, yo, here’s the thing
If it’s a party store and I can’t breakdance or drink
They should call it The Unfun Streamer Store, don’t you think?

READ  T.J. Miller - T.J. Miller

Hanging out with Crevin Harbutton (now we’re partying)
Red hats, nice luncheon (now we’re partying)
Asleep in the cab (now we’re partying)
Build a pillow fort out of mattresses

Woman
Oh, I know he not gonna try to sing too,
Oh my gosh, that is so 1970.

T.J.
Oh girls, it is so good to hang out with you guys in person
I’m sick of Skyping

(Nevermind.)

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T.J. Miller

T.J. Miller – T.J. Miller

Lirik lagu: T.J. Miller

I’m like Pepsi
I’m always second best
Like Melissa Etheridge
I’m usually in a vest
I’m like Home Depot
If I can’t flow
There’s Hispanics out front
Ready to go
I’m like Southwest
You’re free to move around
But the only place I’m goin’ is D-Town
I’m like Mr. Clean
I appear out of nowhere
Jeffrey Tambor downtown
Subtle, no hair
I’m like FEMA
I always come late
I’m like Puerto Rico
I’m not really a state
I’m like Donald Duck
You can’t understand a word
I’m dangerous and friendly to kids
Call me Notorious B.I.G Bird
I’m like Maury Povich
I make a living off exploitation
I’m like Cubans
Sometimes I mix myself up with Haitians
I’m like Sarah Palin
I’m the scum of the Earth
I’m like Jaden Smith
I was set since birth
I’m like my mom’s friend
Allison Galansky
When I have dinner parties I don’t invite me
I’m like Dave Matthews
My fans are all tools
I’m like cricket y’all
I don’t quite understand the rules
I’m like an overweight advice columnist/hunter-director of photography
I shot ‘Dear Flabby’
(It was a documentary, it actually won Best Picture at Thundance and South By Northeast. We submitted to Cannies, but it didn’t take.)
I’m like a claw-machine
You usually don’t win
I’m like that all that’s evil and not real
You can call me sin
I’m like a clown without makeup
Still kinda scary
I’m like a Scrabble dictionary
Cause I’m useless
But with a great vocabulary
I’m confusing
Like when a girl named “Mary” gets married
I’m like Gary Coleman
It didn’t end up so great
I’m like pornography
I use me to masturbate
Flight attendant to ya phone
I’ll get ya turned off
I’m like a creepy doctor
Don’t turn your head when you cough
I’m like a butterface
Cause I have margarine on my face
I’m like China in a bull shop
I’m still outta place
I’m like cryogenics
No one really knows exactly what I am or if it extends one’s own life
It’s probably just science fiction to help people stave off their fear of mortality you know?
I’m like that
I’m like Krevin Harbutton
No one’s ever heard of me
I’m an annoying phenomenon
I’m like ‘Glee’
I’m like LA
Cause I take my time to crush your soul
I’m like New York City
I’m already full
I’m like Richard Nixon
Except I’m a crook
Like a blind person with audiotapes
I don’t do it by the book!
I’m like King Kong
Cause I sweat a lot
I mean nobody ever talks about it, but he probably sweats a lot
I’m like Q-tip
I didn’t make it fuckin’ rhyme for real
But yo technically
I’m not made of steel
I’m mostly water
I’m mostly water
I’m like Cali Swag
I’m a one hit wonder
I’m like a cold hit without mass appeal
I’m ‘Six Feet Under’
I’m like glasses
Since July I’ve been out of fashion
I’m the cultural elite
I’m the last intellectual bastion
I’m like Elvis Presley
Cause I stole that shit
I’m like Charlie Parker
Cause I’m that ‘Bird’ shit
Yo, riffin’s in my blood
And it’s not about to clot
Improvise like the Sun
All important and fuckin’ hot
I’m like a flasher in the cold
I always wear two coats
I’m like Angela Lansbury
I wrote ‘Murder She Wrote’
I’m like ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’
I look good in a wig
I’m like that farmer from ‘Babe’
That’ll do pig

READ  Denver - T.J. Miller

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T.J. Miller

Denver – T.J. Miller

Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

Have you heard, the bird’s not the word, it’s Denver
High average income, roll like big spenders
Affordable housing, good money lenders
Low obesity, no need for suspenders
300 days of sunshine! Check your calendar
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

Freedom of speech here, no censure
But don’t dis the city, or the Thunderdome you enter
Talk shit about her, trust that I’ll defend her
Attack Denver, your weapons we render (useless)
Chug Coors, tip the bartender
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

Address unknown, return to Denver
Only go to gay pride, when I’m on the bender
Ain’t like Texas women, don’t have to guess the gender
Rocky Mountain oysters, I’ll eat it if it’s tender
You’d eat bulls balls too if you had human balls, Wendell
Denver, Denver, fuck you Wendell

Girls are hot, transfat, or transgender
If your daughter’s bad at school they’re gonna suspend her
Preppin’ d-town at (pueblo?), pretender
We got the Rocky Mountains in all their splendor
But not Rocky ’cause we are a contender
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

Well, Atlanta’s where the players play, but they live in Denver
Rather drive stoned, avoid a fender-bender
Wanna marry Holly, but obsessed with Kendra
Went to war with Texas, they surrendered
What’s more, all that stuff about us eating Texan babies is
Folklore, we do drink their blood though
Seriously, fuck a bunch of Texans-er
Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

READ  Denver - T.J. Miller

I grabbed your ass ’cause it was looking tender
Don’t send me to jail, I’m a first time offender
Go ahead, assign a public defender
‘Cause their lawyers
Are the fucking bomb, y’all!
Hella dope-ass legal representation. Huah!

Legal eagles and legal beagles, y’all
Don’t forget what you heard
Go forth and spread the word, y’all
Denver, Colorado (rado, rado)
303, dopest lawyers in the country y’all
One time for (J-Cat?) Miller
Tellin’ all y’all to check it
You know how those Colorado lawyers do, hwah!
They always gotta backup their drinks, man
What?
‘Cause they just passed the bar, yooooo-

TJ, god dammit, you rhymed tender with Denver like six times.
More like three.
That’s still a lot.
That’s true.

Denver, Denver, I’m from Denver

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T.J. Miller

Bananaise (Feat. Nick Vatterott) – T.J. Miller

Lirik lagu: Bananaise (Feat. Nick Vatterott)

Nick Vatterott
Excuse me, are you open?
T.J. Miller
No, not until ten.
Nick
But it’s 9:59.
T.J.
Hello, come on in.
Is this for here or to go?
Nick
Please, I’d like to stay
T.J.
Then grab your hat, (crowbar?), and keys
And follow me this way

Non-smoking or smoking?
Nick
Toking- joking, right here is fine
T.J.
Can I start you off with a box of grape soda wine?
Eggs poached, roasted, beaten, broiled, fried or well done
There’s a note about your past in every single one
Nick
My face is a food fiend who hasn’t fed for fifteen days
I gotta get something to break my dietary malaise
You see I’ve had world famous burgers and chili so many ways
You got a specialer special to end all specials of all days?

Made from bananas, not plantains
Mixed in with milk, and juice, and eggs
You can enjoy it in many ways
It’s Bananaise

Nick
Cheesy puns that are Gouda, I’m Nepal
I got more silly food bits than my man “Weird Al”
T.J.
Banana gun puns, blow the mind of an ape
You don’t like puns about food, I say that’s just grape
Nick
Top (nozzles/nachos) with the beef I got with this gang
We got past tense food like chicken wang
T.J.
Got a falafel awful waffle that’s the real ‘what’s up’
Here, the tea’s made of plastic and you drink the cup

Nick
The way you chug beer is how I sip
I make love like I pay for lunch, I put in half the tip
T.J.
Your barbeque is the pits, mine is outerspace
Jamaica-jerk my chicken when I masterbaste

READ  Bananaise (Feat. Nick Vatterott) - T.J. Miller

Life can be so hard these days
With war, and bugs, long lines, and AIDS
Before you shoot yourself in the face
Try Bananaise

Break it down, now

Nick
Collard green, jelly bean, (castor fruit, robo-squid?)
Whipping pong balsamic, reduced like you know it should
T.J.
7-upside down, grab a piece of sheet cake, bake
Flaked and rubbed, on a sub, open-faced up in this hood
Nick
Half carafe, a calf clan of milk
Hey honey grab that hamburger, help us, it gets my appetite
T.J.
(Hot core, breaded) peas and ice-cream of wheat, thinly diced
Clay pigeon, pizza in, deep dish, panini-nini

Nininini nininininini nininininini

Nick
And now I’ve lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back
Lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back
Lost of backpack, gotta get my backpack
Lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back
Lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back
Lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back
Lost of back fat, gotta get my fat back

Ninininini, gotta get my fat back

When the world is wrought with storms and plague
And the four horsemen are on rollerblades
Before you live your final days

Try Bananaise!

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